Updated: Oct 8, 2018
This post was written by me on 16th July, 2014. The first part is a satirical take on religious extremists, the second is a rant on religion itself.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. - Aristotle
Diary of a religious wackadoo
A very long time ago (long before we knew things like DNA and NDA) the Almighty Lord Alsus decided to create this world.
So on His first day at job, God in His brilliance created light. Five days later, He created the Sun, Moon and stars. Now you people don’t start wondering how the light came before the existence of Sun or how come He calculated how five ‘days’ had passed without the presence of any Sun.
These scientists people will tell you all stupid things- that the Sun is a star. Now, you tell me yourself, if the Sun was a star wouldn't it come out at night like the other stars huh? Besides why do they call Sun a star when it is a circle? Dim-witted people these scientists and atheists are, I tell you! Moving on, my God - Alsus then created the first Man (whoopee!) from dust and then a Woman from one of his kidney (Please don’t ask why he needed the dust and kidney to create Man when he could create the planets and stars from nothing –you are no one to question the work of the Lord). This Darwin chap will tell you we all evolved from monkeys who in turn evolved from fishes. What kind of sorcery is this! When I tell these atheists that God made this world 5000 years ago, they say we have trees on Earth which are 20,000 years old! I don’t understand what all they blabber about carbon dating and fossils and Earth being 4.5 billion years old. Couldn't they have just read my holy books…duh. This one time we had this enormous, enormous flood. Maybe because Lord Alsus was really angry that time. God gave Man free-will but He killed all of them with the flood because Man didn't act the way He wanted them to….confusing no?
Or maybe God said angrily- How dare you…do something which I had predetermined you to do? But, the all-loving and all-encompassing God, to save us from God’s wrath, made this large cruise liner and rescued one of each kind. So, hopped on board the Kangaroo from Australia and the cute cute polar bear…awww.Not to forget baby dinosaur T-rex. Now once again today, our world is defiled with corruption and violence and homosexuals. People are grumbling and wailing.I tell them-stop complaining and start praying! Praying is the oldest means of wireless communication-much before wifi and 3g. Just two days back one innocent little girl died of cancer because her FB likes for prayers were stuck at 947. So sad . Now why would God change his divine plans just to accommodate someone’s prayer? I guess those starving kids in Africa might be having a tough time establishing a good prayer connection with Alsus our saviour. Also, the amount of people God saves in a country is strictly related to the healthcare facilities in that country.
They say faith can move mountains- Mountains I’m not sure, but skyscrapers they have.
It is said that our Lord was born to a virgin (I wouldn't like to hear of any miraculous births by my daughter though). And that he could walk through fire and heal the sick with his touch. But today you need heart surgeries and chemotherapy for treating ailments. Only when things get out of hands, does the doctor invoke divine intervention and say-‘Ab isko dawa ki nahi, dua ki zaroorat hai.’ Of course the doctor was a creation of the holy Alsus. So thank the God for the successful operation. (But make sure you don’t sue God for misdiagnosis or failed surgeries!) How can people ask why God Alsus has shown his presence only once on Earth? I tell them- listen it’s a really really big milky way and he is really really busy. How can he be everywhere? Oh, sorry I mean the actually is omnipresent. You just have to concentrate little hard. He is in my heart I know. Besides why do people claim every other day that today they saw the face of the Lord on a potato or today His statue drank milk? These are signs from God. He is listening. Every Tuesday, I religiously go to the local place of worship and recite verses from our divine book. Isn’t it cool that Lord Alsus has laid down every aspect of life right from washing hands, down to how to dress ourselves? Aren't these things timeless- I mean how can our lifestyles ever change?
Some of my favorite verses in our holy texts include how a man is superior over his wife and can beat her. It’s a pity that these politicians abolished slavery now. My text does not condone slavery and I think it is awesome! To ensure peace and harmony Lord Alsus tells us to beat and kick and cut these filthy infidels into a hundred pieces who dare not acknowledge this one true God. Now don’t get me wrong, we are a religion of (piece) peace. Since man was created before women, isn’t it justified that we get the better deal in marriage, divorce and testimony. Another fun fact: Apostasy is punished by death. We, the followers of Alsus, have banned mars-missions and Mickey mouse and other such sacrilege things. Now dear diary, that’s all for today. I need to scamper along or else one of my wives is going to get real angry. I have a rabbit to cut (according to ritual of course!) and have its delicious stew for supper and then thank the gracious lord Alsus for the meal and then go to sleep. Or maybe rant about a couple of blasphemous YouTube videos before I sleep. Anyways gtg. Life is fun ;)
Think of it- Out of all the 70 thousand million million million (read that figure again!) stars in the universe, you were born in a tiny planet about one such star. And be relieved to know that you were born in the only religion that holds the real truth – truth which was revealed by God in some tiny corner of Earth during some insignificant point in time. Feel lucky that the correct religious bar code was stamped on your soul and you were delivered to the right community.
It is society and family that fashions a child’s religious opinions. No-one is born to obey the rules of a particular faith. Agnosticism or atheism is the default setting.
God loves you so much that he created fire spewing smoky hell just in case you choose not to love him back and dishonour him.
Either God alone has the power over life and death, famine or flood or the Devil is responsible for wrecking havoc around the world. Choose wisely.
If the creator God, is invisible, inaudible, imperceptible and indistinguishable from nature itself, what makes you say that he wants to be worshipped?
Oh, I’m sorry, your book says so.
Although most Gods are claimed to be loving and compassionate, most followers are God-fearing lest they incur His displeasure. They have a prescriptive, authoritative holy book that interferes even in the basic subtleties of daily life. Further, these books cannot be revised or altered at any cost. Many religious books are crammed with such far-fetched fables and astonishing inaccuracies/contradictions, that if they were to be released in today’s date, they would not find any publishers. Some of them are smeared with such hateful verses and ungodly deeds that it would embarrass any believer(Feel free to ask me about their atrocious details, if you are curious).
And logically, a book can never be the evidence for its own truth.
It annoys me when the burden of disproving is upon atheist. You came up with this idea. You prove it.The question of faith and belief only comes up where there is a paucity of inquiry, evidence and rigorous analysis.
They say their religion has all the answers but they don’t allow questions!
If it’s the word of God you can’t change a word of it.
Do you really think a spiteful, barbaric, misogynistic, violent ,medieval culture can stand the test of time?
Scientific community, on the other hand, is continuously evolving and learning, and welcomes any radical or outrageous idea.
How can you defend every single criticism against your religion by stating that these ancient texts are being misinterpreted or that we are too naïve to comprehend the luminosity of these works? As per your convenience certain appalling verses become metaphorical while others have to be followed with their literal vigour. If your book was written in a perfect God’s language, then each word will mean exactly what it has to, nothing more, and nothing less.
Truth is not democracy. It doesn’t matter if the majority of people believe in it or not.
There’s a certain scientific, verifiable way how things were created and function, and your book is grossly wrong about it. Accept it. And please don’t say your book was only explaining it figuratively. It doesn’t say that anywhere.
Every time someone puts up a logical argument you don’t need to be infuriated. Your God is not weak. He can defend himself.
You don’t need to outlaw, humiliate, arrest, torture, or worse behead someone who doesn’t agree with your views. Don’t be a blind bigot.
When someone accuses you of being violent and intolerant you respond by becoming, well, guess what, by becoming violent and intolerant towards him.
If a god exists he's going to act independent of your wishes. I would anyway not worship a being that's going to send me to hell simply for not believing in it.
Gods don’t hate people, people with Gods hate people. And you call yourself a religion of peace-Choosing riots over reason, daggers over dialogue.
People claim that it is only the fundamentalists of a religion who cause problems. Then maybe there is something wrong in the fundamentals of the religion that its strict adherence causes problems.
If saying that God doesn’t exist is disrespectful to believers, then by the same logic, saying that God exists is disrespectful to atheists!
Next time an atheist criticises your faith, you just smile at him, knowing that your powerful God will punish him cruelly when he dies and rots in hell. Fair enough?
Money is evil. Therefore give it in offering to religious institutions.Let them enjoy lavish tax-exemptions and build statues and thrones of gold.
Atheists are often branded as immoral, undisciplined, defiant, arrogant and ignorant. Isn't it paradoxical when you say so?
Common sense tells me to live and let live. I don’t need a book to decide that for me. I can speak for myself, thank you very much. And by the way I don’t butcher animals in the name of God. Neither do I eat them. I don’t kill or hate people for their opposing beliefs.Where as, millions (and counting) have been massacred in the name of religion.
Stop telling atheists that they don't have open minds. They have an open mind for credible arguments, not personal opinions.
How many other religions have believers studied before they decided to select their particular religion? Very few, most certainly. So if you require an open mind from someone else, perhaps you should look at yourself before asking that of them. Believe me, atheists have read the holy texts better than most devotees- because they build up their cases based on strong evidences.
Q) When God created Man in his own image, why do we commit evil?
A) It’s because God gave man free will which he misused.
Q) Is there evil in heaven?
A) Of course, not.
Q) Oh, this means there is no free will in heaven then?
Tell the people, God’s messenger’s book says there is heaven n hell and they will believe you without batting an eyelid. Tell them that the wall paint is wet; they will touch it to make sure.
If you really believe your path will lead to eternal bliss, then why wear a seatbelt? If you feel God has predicated the events of Nature or He is watching over you, then why check sideways before crossing the road?
Religion is a lot like using Internet Explorer. It was there when you started out. And you are afraid of trying out something new. Use Chrome. It is lighter.
I am an Agnostic.
A person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God.
Synonyms: sceptic, doubter, questioner, challenger, scoffer, cynic;
We don’t know who or what created this universe. But, I know for sure Man is not the centre of this grand cosmos. We are mere grains of sand on the banks of an endless of ocean. The intricacies of life and universe are seemingly unfathomable for this little brain.
“If there is a God, He will have to beg my forgiveness.” — A phrase that was carved on the walls of a concentration camp cell during WWII by a Jewish prisoner.
“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” -- Stephen Roberts
“Religion is the opium of the masses”- Karl Marx
Thank you Indrajeet Sen for helping me out with the proof reading. May God bless you.
Inspired from hundreds of internet memes around the world.
I have tried really hard not to hurt any particular religious sentiment.I fear for my life: P
Some of the suggestive errors are deliberate.
Like and comment if you love God Alsus.
Ignore if you want to die.
UPDATE : My friend Purvi Asthana presents a strong rebuttal for the case in her blog post here: https://quantumcontent.wordpress.com/2015/08/07/letter-to-an-atheist/
Do check out the other side of the debate too !